Ben and his semi-regular musings & stories.

LAPSED (A short story)

2010-12-04T22:17:00.001-08:00

It’s 9:50. Nighttime. Reasonable people are at home. Maybe watching House, or 30 Rock. But these are not reasonable people.

Am I one of them? I guess I used to be. I was mostly a ‘kitchen-table’ player. I was their kind for a few hours after work, maybe. But here we are together. At 9:50. On Saturday night.

They (we?) are talking. Not about anything I can understand. When this many people talk it’s more of a “mmmuuuuuuhhhhh” sound. Unintelligible. Maybe that’s good… Do I want to be more than a ‘kitchen-tabler’?

This new set is coming out. Earthbreaker? Something. Something about the game is… different. Sleeker. I feel… excited? Maybe I am one of them. Worldbreaker. That’s what it’s called.

I bum a booster pack off a judge. We’re cool. We go back a ways. I open the pack quickly. My fingers find the crease in the back of the pack and split it down the middle. Easily. I’ve done this before.

I’ve heard that smells bring memories of the past to mind faster than any other sense. Maybe that’s true, because I’m already an 11 year old again, playing TCGs for the first time. Magic. Wyvern. Overpower. Rage. I played a few. Was I just a ‘kitchen-table’ player back then? Maybe I wasn’t. The smell of the new cards fades and here I am again, the “mmmmmuuuuuuuhhhh” filling my ears.

These things I’ve heard are true. This set is sleek. This new graphic design… Already plans are being laid for cunning decks. I want to sit around a table and play multiplayer – destroy my enemies as much with diplomacy as with cards. I want to build an ALL GOBLIN ALL THE TIME deck. (If time is money, does that mean it’s also an ALL GOBLIN ALL THE MONEY deck?)

I’ve grabbed my phone and dialed my brother – I wasn’t even really thinking about it… I just did.

“Hello? Ben?”

“Will. Tomorrow night. I’ve got Worldbreaker.”

“Shit. I think I can make it.”

“Good. Call Stan.”

I’m excited. Sealed deck? 2-pack? Will we have enough players for draft?

And just like that, I am one of them.

I posted this to craigslist to offload a chair...

2009-07-21T01:19:00.000-07:00

... and I got 10 responses in the first minute. Half chair-related, half thanking me for the laugh. :)

Leather Chair - BIG & Comfy (plus Ottoman) - $5 (Irvine, CA)

This chair is very large, and very comfy. It will envelop you and keep you safe against the terrors of the world. Five dollars for a chair like this? HE MUST BE MAD, you might be thinking. Well... it's a little scratched on the armrests from some cat activity in the past. But it doesn't reduce the comfiness by a perceptible degree. The leather stays cool even in warm weather. Your friends will be incredibly jealous. I am moving on Friday, else I would PURCHASE THIS CHAIR FROM MYSELF.

This is your chance to be 10-15% cooler than you are today.

Do something with your life.

Purchase my comfy chair.

- Ben

PS. You have to pick it up! I accept cash and/or milkshakes as forms of payment.

Baloncesto

2009-07-16T16:22:00.000-07:00

In the name of good health and sexiness I've been playing more basketball recently. Sexiness maybe didn't get the memo, though... there is little perceptible change on that front. I am noticeably more fit though, at least when it comes to charging down the court quickly. That is to say, I am now physically able to charge down the court quickly, not that I am able to do it well. My excitement gets the better of me and then I somehow manage to dribble the ball directly into my own crotch, or do a flying somersault into a parked car. All in the name of exercise.

There is a therapeutic element to this sport. When you make a great pass or your shot falls into the hoop, things become OK again. You know what? Maybe my knee doesn’t hurt so bad after all. This assumes you make great passes and that your shots fall. When they don’t there is some degree of self-loathing that you take home. The good hurt you get when you work hard becomes just hurt. Good thing I never miss any shots and my passes are all compliment-worthy.

The park near me is seeing a huge turnout after work; 30+ guys on some nights. Getting into a 5-man team is sometimes tough… you want to make people believe you will help them win, so they’ll pick you up. Most people will just pick up the first guy that asks, but for some reason I still feel pressure to ‘present’ myself well. It doesn’t really help my confidence that I’m wearing huge sports goggles and a headband, and off the court I feel goofy and clumsy. It is comforting to know that anyone who thinks I might suck will be sorely wrong when I dominate them on the court.

Tonight I’m playing 3 on 3 at the work courts – the second night in a row for me! Who knows… maybe sexiness will call after the game and I can give it shit about taking such a long vacation.

Narcissus

2009-03-20T01:48:00.000-07:00

I stared at myself in the mirror tonight, so close I could see that I have a few tiny blackheads on my nose. Somehow looking at myself that close was disconcerting. And scary. Or maybe I'm just weirded out because all I've done today is watch 20 or so episodes of Battlestar Gallactica. Not because I'm lazy, mind you, but because I'm sick and pretty much unable to move. (you were thinking lazy, weren't you.)

Oh you haven't heard? I'm doing a new job now! Goodbye, production... hello game design! I'm working on an exciting new project! Recently though, I've been doing programming... and it's unlocked some primal thirst within me. I asked the lead engineer why coding is fun, and he said it had something to do with man's urge to assert dominance. (He also said something about programming getting you chicks...) I think for me it is a constant feeling of productivity. I have something to show for my work every 20 or 30 minutes. It's a rush! After knocking down bugs and adding new features all day I come home refreshed and satisfied. It's funny how cyclical life can be. I went to college for Computer Science and dropped out, only to find myself programming again for a living (albeit as a temporary gig while I wait for design work to rev up).

The thrill spills over into my non-work life as well; I'm learning to program on the iPhone. I have grand visions of Tip Calculators, and nasty fantasies of forbidden games.

Hmm.

Sometimes, when I spend all day watching a TV drama, I feel very odd as I turn down for bed. Reality and Fantasy somehow get mixed up, and I find myself wondering which of my friends is a Cylon or talking like Edward James Olmos. It's a weird feeling, and not easily shakeable. Maybe that's why I'm back here, reading my old blog posts: I'm trying to get some solid foundation to ground myself in. Didn't help though. I keep hearing the sounds of battle and worrying about Viper Pilots not coming back safely.

Who knows what my dreams have in store for me tonight...

... Commander.

The exciting tale of the frog in the swamp.

2009-03-20T01:01:00.000-07:00

Once lived a frog in a swamp and it want-

-ed to go on a trip to the park and it start-

-ed to leave on the journey but then it was blend-

-ed to death in a blender.

It's not much of an end (what with the blend), but at least when it end

-ed, it ends.

haiku

2008-08-25T12:53:00.000-07:00

chicken salad, but

the cucumber, tomatoes

cast aside, alone

Not Sure

2008-08-11T18:24:00.001-07:00

Hello ladies. Let me impart some advice.

It's the night before your wedding. "Wedding Eve", if you will. Your husband-to-be is sleeping with his family, and you with yours. You grab your iPhone, and send him a facebook message.

The subject: "NOT SURE"

Yes, this happened to me. Imagine the dread as I pressed on the mail icon. Imagine the horror as the "loading" message taunts me.

The message: "... if you're checking Facebook, but you left your hair balm in my car. I'll leave it with my brother. Don't forget to call him tomorrow. Love, Min"

So, the advice. The Subject line of any message is just that. The subject of what you are writing about. It's not the "Start your message here; in fact, just go ahead and put the first two words of it" field.

Thank you.

Unrelated, but I just saw a cat riding on a dog today in Santa Barbara.

Joey Lutz

2008-08-03T15:53:00.001-07:00

On July 17th, 2008, Joey Lutz, my best friend, drowned in Panama off the coast of the island of Bocas Del Toro.

From what I gather, he was standing in a tidepool when a huge wave knocked him off his feet and a riptide dragged him out to sea. Joey was 25 years old, and he was to be the best man at my wedding on August 9th. His funeral was last week. Some of his friends and I had the opportunity to speak, and below is what I said.

I had the pleasure of gathering Joey’s files from his laptop, and I found this in his application to Newgrounds (the Jewish/Muslim discussion group):

“Over the course of developing myself as a teacher I have had to reflect almost daily on what my goals as an educator and human being are. I have seen students succeed at the highest levels as well as become victims to gang violence. My life’s work is to be good to humans. I listen to them and endeavor to provide a space that is both nurturing and accepting.

“The difficulty in teaching is that it is often very difficult to measure outcomes. Unlike more traditional sales and service jobs, I can’t always quantify my work for the day. Progress can be slow, often measured in years, and there are moments when it seems as if the students are no better off then when they entered. Thus, I have reconciled myself to be a gardener. I plant seeds and trust that one rainy day they will sprout and grow, even if I cannot see the verdancy myself.”

If today is any evidence, Joey planted a LOT of seeds.

I met Joey in Middle School, and we became best friends by the time High School ended. I got to watch Joey grow more and more confident, culminating in his epic run for ASB President. I remember doing plays, playing pranks, and doing improv with Joey.

When we went to college, we joked about leaving our webcams on all the time so that we could be fake roommates. Instead of activities, we started sharing our thoughts, dreams, and fears. Joey and I were both incredibly optimistic, and parlayed that into a general good mood all the time. Joey would call me, upset about a fight or relationship issue, only to forget entirely about it when we spoke next.

Joey thought a lot about life’s paths- he wrote poetry and plays about it. He’d set out on a path like teaching and still consider what other paths could bring him. For each other, I think we were reflections of those divergent paths. Joey pursued talent, friends, and new experiences. I pursued stability. When I got engaged and started talking about children, he regretted briefly not taking the path I had chosen. But always his idols were those who had the greatest stories and the biggest accomplishments.

Joey loved the act of discussion sometimes more than the topic. We’d discuss something like world hunger, or racial profiling, and Joey would make a point that would simultaneously convince me and reveal to him the holes in his own argument, with which he would switch sides and argue the other way.

I miss a lot about Joey, but what I miss most is knowing he would be there through all my triumphs, and all my failings. I miss having someone that knew where I came from, and where I was going. And then regardless of where it was that I ended up, that he would love me. And I miss being that for him.

Joey wrote this after his grandmother passed:

“I’m ok right now. I still have this hole in my chest, although it is smaller. Life is so good, and death is so fast, but it all seems right in a way. I feel like I was spiritually wounded by my confrontation with mortality, but in a way more complete. I was missing this experience, if you know what I mean. I feel myself emerging from it with increased understanding of life, myself, and a greater empathy for people in general.

Which, perhaps, is a blessing.”

The Proposal

2008-07-06T22:34:00.000-07:00

Thirty-three days until the wedding!

Today I have to fill out a questionnaire sent by our photographer. There is a variety of information, apparently to potentially land us a spot in some kind of magazine, or maybe for his own edification. Regardless, the bulk of the thing is a description of the proposal. Instead of writing a sentence or two, I figured I'd write the whole story, complete with pictures and everything! And I hate handwriting things, so it's blog-time! Without further ado: The Proposal!

I'm not sure I remember when I made the leap from thinking about marriage as something that would eventually happen, to something I actively wanted to make happen. It wasn't a singular moment, although I knew I wanted to marry Min from early on. I do know that at some point I realized that if I wanted to have kids, live together (without making parents upset), and get married, it would take more than want, it would take action, and soon, since things like planning weddings and spawning offspring takes time. After several talks with Joey (my best friend), to solidify the idea in my mind, the trail began.

First: the ring. The thing is, Min doesn't wear jewelry. She doesn't even own a ring. How was I supposed to find a ring that fits? Several ideas: Maybe I play with a Yo-Yo, and have her try, then preserve the loop on the end to get a ring sized to it? Hmm... it might be too suspicious if I tried to keep that loop from sliding. What if I borrowed a ring from someone else, or had a friend figure out the size? Nah, I know what happens when too many people get involved (loose lips sink ships!), and I didn't want to mention rings at all... who knows what might've tipped her off?

My plan of action was to take a twisty-tie (like the ones from the grocery store), and tie it around her finger while she slept. Every night for two weeks I would wait until she started to snore (she does!) and strike with the tie. Two snags: Min is a fairly deep sleeper, but start tying stuff to her ring finger and she fidgets. Man, that's scary! Imagine if she woke up: she would know! Secondly, the twisty-tie turns out not to be easy to remove from the finger.

A month went by and I brainstormed solutions with my friends. Nothing surfaced that would make things any easier. Then, an epiphany! I cut a thin piece of paper and placed a small strip of tape on the end. I would wrap it around her finger and it should easily slide right off! That night, I executed my plan... Victory! Not even a break in the snoring!

Now I had a little paper ring, which somehow turned the whole thing from concept to reality. I'd often slip the paper loop over my pinky finger - I held it in my pocket, the car, hid it in the house... but it made me nervous. It seemed that at any time Min could put her hand in my pocket, look in my car, or find the loop some other way. Looking back, I doubt she would have made the connection, but to me, the liability was maddening!

Ring sized, it was time to scour the jewelry stores. Here was my next big roadblock: Min hates diamonds. The movie "Blood Diamond" had released weeks earlier, and even pre-release Min was heavily anti-diamond. I started my search at South Coast Plaza, potentially the worst possible place. Prices were insane, selection was miniscule, and nothing but diamonds. Joey's ex-girlfriend recommended a place where her mother got her rings, and they were able to show me all of my options for a non-diamond engagement ring. Nothing jumped out at me. I couldn't see Min wearing any of them. Time for a real expert to step in and help me out: google to the rescue!

I read the "Idiot's Guide to Buying the Ring", "10 Things to Know Before You Buy an Engagement Ring", and 15 or so other sites by similar names. None of them mentioned the possibility of a non-diamond engagement ring, save one, hidden in their FAQ: "What If I don't want to get a diamond?" A: "Don't be an idiot. Get a diamond." Ugh.

Years of Robbins Bros. commercials led me to their store, and immediately I felt as if my lonely journey through the land of Confusionaria had come to an end. They said they could prove that their diamonds were not "Conflict diamonds", and had a TON of rings to choose from. It took me an hour, but I finally picked one I knew she would love. They gave me a box with an LED in it (smooth!), and plenty of literature about how they knew that their diamonds were conflict-free. I was hoping that'd be enough!

The anxiety over the paper loop was magnified ten-fold once it was an actual ring I was hiding. While I imagine I could explain away a paper loop, there was no such out for a diamond ring. I kept it hidden in my car, and stopped offering to drive. It actually caused tension: "You never drive your car anymore! What's going on?" "Uhh... I need an oil change..." "Well get one! Don't be lazy!" Hmm. I'd better step on it.

Two things left to go. I needed to ask Min's parents for permission, and then actually propose. I honestly don't know which I was more scared about.

Martin Luther King Jr. Day, January 2007. Min had work and I didn't. Under the pretense of delivering a new game our company had just released that week, I drove to San Diego to meet with Min's brother. We went out for coffee and I spilled the beans. Min's brother Kyo was surprised, and I think a little worried. Neither of us could predict how the parents might respond. He was worried they'd be upset that he wasn't getting married before Min, which is something I hadn't even thought of. More butterflies. Great. I asked him to translate "May I have permission to marry your daughter?" into Korean for me, so I could do it up right. Min's mother speaks English well enough, but at the time, I was under the impression that her father couldn't speak it at all. Armed with the Korean translation, and the support of her brother, we drove for the Kum residence.

They were surprised to see me, and we sat down at their dining table. I wasted little time, since I sensed the "What are you doing here?" questions coming anyway... I pulled out my paper and fired away.

Silence.

I started to worry that maybe I had bungled it, that instead I'd asked if I could cook some pancakes for them or something. Then Min's mom jumped in and started talking a mile a minute. Some things became instantly clear: If this happens, we can never get divorced (ok wasn't planning on that anyway, so that's fine), but if we do, Min's mom would cry every night, forever. Gotcha. Also, things are different in "her country" (her words, she means Korea), and she needed to talk with Min about what this all would mean. Ack! Talk with Min?! She'd ruin the surprise!

Her dad hadn't looked at me the entire time her mom had been talking. He didn't look at me even as he began to interview me in Korean, which her brother translated: "What does marriage mean to you?" Heh, this is one interview I had studied for. Min had told me her family's fears about her marrying a "white boy". "It means the merging of two families. It's about starting a family and having children. And it's sharing and committing to a loving relationship." ... "Under God. Under God," Min's dad added, after Kyo's translation. Argh, I hope I didn't mess that one up. Next question: "Why do you want to marry my daughter?" He still hadn't looked at me. "Well, I love her very much. I want to spend the rest of my life with her." I got a little teary eyed there. I really do love her. The self-reminder boosted my confidence under the Spanish Inquisition.

The firing squad ended with her mom saying basically: Wait. They'd talk to Min on Sunday when she was going to come home, and they'd give me an answer then... BUT, it was ok with them, basically. As I left, her dad finally looked at me, and hugged me. Whew.

My plan at this point was to do the whole thing on Saturday, and thanks to considerable planning, it would be difficult to reschedule. My anxiety over the whole thing made it very difficult to imagine holding off much longer, as well. And if Min talked with her parents about it? There goes the surprise... So propose, and risk angering the parents? Or wait, and risk losing the surprise?

Let's go for it.

It's Saturday. I've hidden Champagne, cake, and food out on the patio. Everyone's coming over for a game of Werewolves. Werewolves is a party game that we play all the time. I moderate. There are townspeople, and there are werewolves. The goal is to kill the other team. The game is played in day/night cycles. At night the townspeople have their eyes closed, and the werewolves silently communicate with each other to "kill" one player. (Dead players are out of the game and can only observe.) During the day, everyone discusses who they think the werewolves are. They choose one person to kill as a group, and the townspeople are hoping they hit one of the werewolves. Problem is, the werewolves are among them, misleading them and turning them against one another. There are some special roles (like the Fortune Teller) who also awake at night and do something. During one of the games that night, I slip Min the Fortune Teller and start the game.

The game starts out in night, so I tell everyone to close their eyes. It's time to sleep. Brian, a friend of mine, knows it's coming so he breaks out the camera and gets ready to snap away.

This is the moment I will never forget. Everyone (sans cameraman) has their eyes closed, and here I am, in the middle of them, on one knee, ready to change my life forever. Min has no idea. I am so nervous.

"Fortune Teller, Wake up", I say. My voice wavers. Min silently opens her eyes and looks at me. I'm on my knees in front of her. Totally inappropriate moderator behavior.

"Will you marry me?"

Mass confusion. Some people wonder if it's a joke (How could they know that Min is the fortune teller?), some open their eyes, some just keep yelling "can I open my eyes? can I open my eyes?" (nobody wants to be a cheater!) Min is in disbelief. "Are you serious?!" she keeps asking. YES, I profess. Min... takes the ring and hugs me. "Is that a 'yes'?" I ask. I want to make sure. "Yes!!!" she gasps. I exhale. I'm emotional, I'm crying, I'm so happy, but finally, finally, it's over.

It was hard to believe in the days afterward that it had all happened. I was engaged! Turns out, the ring I got Min was not only WAY too big, but apparently yellow gold is out, and white gold is the hot new thing. (Robins Bros was happy to exchange it for us.) It seemed so crazy to me that I had stressed so much about it! Min's mom was a little miffed that I had asked Min anyway, but she got over it instantaneously, and was very excited and happy for us.

Now, the wedding is only a month away. I'm looking forward to making new memories with Min, but you only get one chance to propose, and I think the story came out perfect.

So speaks the Burning Legion!

2008-05-05T00:23:00.000-07:00

Cory Jones and I played at Pair-A-Dice games down near San Diego today as celebrity guests. People drove from all over southern California to try their hand against our fiery might.

The poor bastards never knew what hit 'em. Cory waved shiny cards in front of them, while I crept up behind them and dug knives deep into their fleshy parts. It was enjoyable, even as the blood and shredded cardboard stung my eyes and made it hard to see.

At least, that's how our first two matches went. Our second match was arduous, and even though my knives dug deep, they managed to extinguish the terrible burning that others had begun to believe could never dull. Of course, we beat them in the end anyway... with prizes. We slapped each one with a thousand dollar card. That will teach them to attempt to stand against us. Run and lick your wounds, fools.

The fourth match was more evenly matched than our third. It was like each of us had a large fish gripped tightly in our right hands, slapping each other loudly, hoping after each "fwaapp" that the other would be too woozy and smelly to bother "fwapp"ing us back. As the final "fwapp" rang in our ears, we ripped the fish from their collective hands and literally summoned a giant robot to deal with the whole situation.

Apparently, giant robots are allergic to fish. Well, we showed them anyway: Prizes for them both.

Now with the fear of eternal burning lingering in their hearts, they run home and hide their cards, lest the horrors of this day haunt them during the long night ahead.

It won't help. The Legion conquers all.

Fel Iron Maiden

2008-05-04T00:41:00.000-07:00

Fel Iron Maiden, my "Rock Band", has made the Finals of our Battle of the Rock Bands tournament at work.

"Rock Band" is in quotes because I am not referring to a legitimate rock band, but instead to the popular video game. Not that I couldn't win a real band tournament. (I think).

To the right: a peek at my costume for you!

We're playing "Enter Sandman" by Metallica, and I'm playing Lead Guitar (on Expert) and singing (on Hard). I'm trying to get myself mobile by arranging some kind of headset... but I'm not having much luck yet.

Glenn Rane is hitting up the drums, and he's had to basically learn from scratch, though it looks like by the end of this saga, he'll be ripping it up on Expert. Well done, Rane! Rafael Raudry is tying it all together on bass.

I'm encouraging my band to memorize the song, so we can interact with the crowd instead of staring at the screens. I want engagement! I want excitement! I taste victory!

Our competition is stepping up their game... I've heard a rumor that one band is having a mock-"Behind the Music" video made. I'm practically forced to buy a new guitar controller, just so I can smash it, live on stage.

The winning band gets a custom rock band set, branded with company logos and imagery. I've already made it clear to the other bands that I will claim this booty as my own. They believe otherwise. No matter: Their grim fate will be revealed to them next Friday.

Until then... We're off to never never land!

My new video from YouTube...

2007-10-30T02:42:00.000-07:00

BOOOOOM

2007-10-15T15:09:00.000-07:00

So, I have this USB nerf missle launcher. This is its tale.

Three o'clock rolls in and the Team 1 programmers saunter over and wait outside my cube. I think they are cursed: there are always people running late in the conference room whenever they are ready to meet.

Their quiet chatter, however, is about to be interrupted. With so many people standing so close... how could I resist?

I load up usbpao.exe and start aiming the turret.

Spacebar!

The turret has a long warm up time. Fortunately, it's accompanied by a loud repeating "aaooooogaah", like a nuclear missle warning. As the "aaooooogaah"s ring out, the confused programmers look around, tense, knowing something is coming, but not knowing where from, or why.

A missle lets loose from the cannon and flies straight and true.

FWAP!!

I could not have asked for a better hit. One programmer down: right between the eyes. His stunned expression and the laughs from his co-workers bolster my own cackles.

Victory, my friends. Victory.

Cable TV vs Apple TV

2007-10-09T17:54:00.001-07:00

Let's do some math.

Let's say your cable tv costs you $50 a month.

How many shows do you watch during that month?

Min and I watch perhaps 5 different shows a week... so that's 20 shows a month.

So each show costs me $2.50.

OR

I can download them on iTunes for $1.99 each, keep them forever, watch them on the go, see them in HD, etc.

Hrm.

Italia and the sexiest phone alive.

2007-09-30T20:20:00.000-07:00

The biggest news of the last month is my trip to Italy with Min and another couple that Min knows from work.

You can check out our adventures on this stylin' website: http://www.thebrode.com/italy

We've also moved, purchased new couches, aaaaaand...

We both got brand new iPhones!

As far as I'm concerned, the iPhone is the piece of gadgetry that has catapulted us from our current age (which is apparently a combination of the Nuclear Age, the Space Age, and the Cybernetic Age, in case you were curious) to the "Future".

What's most interesting isn't even what the iPhone does (which is nothing that other phones can't already do), it's how it does it. How does it do it? Sexily. And that's why everyone who sees it says "It's the future." Because to us humans, technological advances aren't what we imagine when we think "future". We imagine sexiness. We imagine streamlinededness. It's those types of advances that make the biggest impact. A more powerful computer doesn't raise too many eyebrows, but when I showed off my all-in-one iMac, where the entire computer is inside the monitor... people freaked out.

I often find myself wondering what growing up in the 2000's is like. Kids today will never know a time without internet. Without cellphones. Without a democratic president... The technology that fascinates us today will be taken for granted by the next generation.

And yes, I realize that there are people alive today who had the same reaction that I'm having towards my iPhone when things like televisions, calculators, and airplanes arrived.

The "I used to walk 30 miles uphill in the snow to get to school" rant has changed for the new generation. Now we say "I used to have to look things up in an Encyclopedia to do my homework! We didn't have Microsoft Word, I wrote my essays on lined paper! If I wanted directions somewhere, I had to have a friend who already knew how to get there write them down - we didn't have no Mapquest!"

Haha. Lined paper. Do they even sell that any more?

100.3

2007-07-02T10:01:00.001-07:00

It's not a radio station - it was my body temperature the other day. I've spent more time in bed the last four days than I have in the entire last month. We have a toast and a little party every time a nostril clears up enough that I can breath through it.

This comes during and interesting time at work, when licensees are requesting 1 hour turnarounds on assets, and products plunge toward the imaginary wall that represents a missed ship date. I will make sure to bring a sharp object to scrape projects off of the wall when I return.

The inevitable return, by the way, is what I'm struggling with this morning. Let's set the record straight: I'm still sick, but I really do need to go to work. I've hooked up a DayQuil IV - hoping that will have some kind of effect on the headache who is desperately vying for my attention.

While we're on the topic, can someone please talk to the developers of "DayQuil" and tell them to stop making it taste so horrid that you want to rip your chest apart and remove that shit from your esophagus before it reaches your stomach? Thanks.

One saving grace - For my birthday, Stan got me a USB-Nerf-Missle-Launcher. Those who would visit my cube - watch out. I have turrets now.

MAD LIBS and why they are important.

2007-06-23T15:49:00.000-07:00

I think that the executives at T.G.I. Fridays actually design all of their menu items with MAD LIBS.

(exotic flavor) (exciting food adjective) (mundane food)

For example: Lime-glazed fries; Deep-fried Mac'n'cheese; Chili-encrusted salmon...

Not that I'm complainin'. I too am a fan of Deep-fried Mac'n'cheese, or as they are popularly known: "lil' heart stoppers".

Joey is actually workin' on some mad libs that are far and away the BEST mad libs I have ever heard. He has one about super heroes that actually made me laugh so hard I puked a little. Ok a lot. But in a good way.

Speakin' of Chili-encrusted salmon, or at least salmon, Min and I went to HABANA for my birthday, and had the salmon there. It's like they've captured the Salmon Lord himself and are holding him hostage while mining him for little salmon babies which they raise in melted butter instead of water and then cook them with other salmon which they burn for fuel. Then they drizzle some kind of sauce on top. What kind of sauce? TASTY sauce. Verra Niiiice.

Oops... the stomach calls... off to Chipotle.

(creative closing sentence)

(saluatory exclamation)

Sssssssssssssssssssss.

2007-06-18T18:50:00.000-07:00

THAT is the sound of this thing sucking me back in. It was inexplicable, really. I was just sitting in my chair and kinda felt like bloggin' a bit. Hallo Blog! Hallo!

It's tough coming back, because for some reason I imagine people reading this chronologically, and that I'll literally have to write everything that has happened in the last year in this one post - and the dread that I'll forget something is like a force choke, insisting I just give up and not post at all, so it won't matter.

I think the only solution is to just tell you nothing at all about the past year, since really the most interesting stuff is the little events I would never remember except for that I'm writing them down and reading them every now and again.

Although I will mentioned that I am now engaged, since that seems pretty important and will potentially make future posts confusing if someone actually does read this whole e-saga front to back at some point in the future. Are blogs the new "time capsule" of our generation? Two hundred years from now, will humans look back on this blog as an example of what a "turn of the millenium" person was like?

Well, Mr. I'm-from-the-year-2207, I'll tell you something about us "turn of the millenium" types. We're hungry and it's time for dinner.

Chipotle, here we come.

Where can I get a Beer Stein with the Brode Family Crest?

2006-06-01T14:14:00.000-07:00

Here, of course.

For those who have missed my recent adventures, here's a brief recap.

Min and I found a baby crawling in the street and rescued him (his parents didn't even say thank you...), I went to a Karaoke place with Min's mom and brother (they call me Mister Farenheeiiiiiiiight), my grill and I fed the multitudes for several days in a row over memorial day weekend, and I've been doing a lot of reading. Clearly I saved the most interesting and climatic bit of information for last.

And because I couldn't stop laughing at this... here are the links that showed up on the right side of the page when I searched for "Brode" on google.com.

Sponsored Links

Brode
Looking for Brode?
Find exactly what you want today.
www.eBay.com

Brode
Find brode from China
250,000+ manufacturers online
www.AsianSourceTool.com

Izmir Brode Tekstil Ltd.
Embroidery, lace, applique, guipurefabric manufacturer in Izmir/Turkey
www.izmirbrode.com

Brode For Sale
Low Priced Brode.
Huge Selection!
eBay.co.uk

Metroid Hunters

2006-03-25T14:07:00.000-08:00

If you don't own a nintendo ds and you don't have metroid prime hunters, you are dead to me.

It's friggin great.

And I realize that this is a pathetic blog post, considering it's been over a month since my last post.

Real Estate Investors

2006-02-23T23:40:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking recently about real estate investors and their effect on the economy. I'm pretty upset about the whole thing and I'd like an alternate point of view on this as I feel uniformed and I'd rather have peace of mind than be generally dissatisfied with the entire situation. So if you choose to read on, realize you are now contractually bound to comment, whether you agree, disagree, or have no opinion.

Let me first start with what I mean when I say "real estate investor" because I understand there can be different types and my rant probably only pertains to a sub-group - those who purchase homes for the express purpose of either (a) renting them out to others and not living in them themselves or (b) sitting on them as they appreciate in value, then selling them for a profit.

Owning your home (be it house/apartment/whatever) is a wonderful thing, and and important one if you plan on living for very long, as the amount of money you save by buying a house (rather than renting) is astronomical. Really, buying a house is free, assuming it doesn't decrease in value over the period you own it, since you can sell it and get back your equity (the amount of money you've been paying towards your mortgage + the amount your house has appreciated). For example, if you were to purchase a $500,ooo home and live there for 10 years, paying $20,000 a year on your loan, you would have paid off $200,000 of your house. You would still owe $300,ooo to the bank. But if you sold your house at this point, even for the price you PAID for it (which is unlikely, considering how much the prices go up each year), you would get $500,000, pay the $300,000 back to the bank which you still owe, and be up $200,000. That's right, all the money you paid in "rent" over the last 10 years you weren't really spending at all. You were saving that money.

So why rent? In fact, why not buy homes and rent them to others, as long as you have the money? Have the renters pay your mortgage for you, as the house grows in value.

I guess the crux of my anger is that it is unfair for the renter to have to pay rent his whole life while the rich real estate investor makes money off of him, just because the renter doesn't have money, while the investor does. A place to live shouldn't be a commodity that we buy and sell just to make money. Why should people be allowed to own more than one home when their second (and beyond) is obviously not for vacationing? It hurts me to see older people still renting - and then do the calculations on how much money they've wasted over their lives. Money that has lined the pockets of whoever had the initial capital to buy the property that they've ended up paying for in rent.

If you've lived in an apartment or house for a long time and you've paid a huge sum of money in rent, you should be able to buy that property for the current value minus the amount of money you've paid so far in rent (or at least a percentage of that amount).

A slightly similar scenario: Joey is planning on jumping into a little scheme (and he'll probably be upset that I've referred to it like that) with his lawyer friends from SC. When a bank repossesses a home, they auction it off on the doorstep early the next morning (or something like that). Joey and company plan to attend these auctions and buy these houses for far less than market value, and then resell them within the week at a price still under value - though closer to it, making a quick $20,000 or so each time. At least that was Joey's estimate.

His description of this transaction was actually what got me going on the whole topic in the first place. Why couldn't the final buyer have just bought the home for the first price? What service are these guys providing that justifies their $20k comission?

I saw a sign on the side of the road yesterday that read "Real Estate Investor seeks apprentice - $20k a MONTH". That's $240k a year. I know, it was probably a scam... but every other commercial on the radio has some yahoo claiming he can make you "very rich" by learning the secrets of buying homes that other people want to live in.

To me, this seems wrong. To me, housing prices are out of control. To me, the problem is the investors who tie up the property and drive the demand for houses up.

Ok - your turn. What do you think?

Da Hood

2006-02-20T09:43:00.000-08:00

I was out at Rite-Aid yesterday and the outer walls had been recently painted - wet paint signs and all - and one of the pillars with a wet paint sign already had graffiti all over it.

I will never understand graffiti.

Jake: Ay, foo. What we doo-in' ta-night?
Johnny: Hey less go tag on Rite-Aid.
Jake: Aww yea - dass bomb-diggy.
Johnny: Werd.
Any Rational Person Or Even Just Someone Who Is Not A Complete Idiot: Acutally, let's not. Here... take this piece of paper, and write your gang sign here instead. This way, you can feel "hard" while not making yourself look like a complete f**ktard. Also, here is a boiling cauldron of oil, and a dumptruck full of human feces.
Johnny & Jake: Thanks! *they dive in*

At the nearby VONS there's a kid who sells candy bars for rent money - living out of a motel (or mo-mo, as he called it). He's literally there every time I go, so he's persistant if nothing else. I asked how much he made and he said he made $60 a day off candy sales, but the hotel room costs $70 a night. He said he relied on donations to make up the difference. He was actually a really pleasant kid - it was a little difficult to image why he didn't just get a 'normal' job... even at the Vons he was hanging around outside of! I suspect he makes more than just $70 a day, but who knows. The employees seemed to like him - and one of them even tried to help him sell some bars! ("It's better than selling drugs, eh?")

Ok, I'm off to take care of some long overdue chores. First up: shower.

Fish, and why people keep trying to put them in tacos.

2006-02-18T00:14:00.000-08:00

That is my ambitious blog title, and sadly, that's where that topic ends.

My life as of late has been filled with a unquenchable thirst to see as many Oscar-nominated movies as possible before the awards air next month. My crusade, though personally satisfying on its own, is primarily to win the little contest we have each year to see who can guess the most correct winners. As long as I beat Susan again, it will all have been worth it.

When I'm not watching movies I'm playing Guitar Hero... it's like DDR, but with guitars. It's fantastic. Min and I have been rocking out for a couple days now and we're getting better, though there is still much room for improvement. Hmmm... I should look in to what it would take to get my beats included in the next version of this game...

Bonuses get distributed next month and rumors are floating around the office regarding how much we'll be getting. If it's even half of what I'm hearing... I'm going to end up with a whole lot of ~~magic cards~~ savings very soon.

As long as I'm randomly changing topics in this post, I might as well mention that the bizarre dreams still haven't let up... My latest one involved me constantly whipping around to talk to someone, and every time I did so, I would accidentally smack the Vice President in the head really hard. I was sure I would be fired after every elbow to the face, but somehow I held onto my job. It's weird how dreams carry over into real life... I keep feeling like I should apologize to him or something. "Sorry for smackin' the sh*t out of you last night in my dream, dawg." "Nah, it's all good. Epic."

I hope the brothers follow suit and keep the words flowin'. It's tough picking up your slack. ;-) Will, no more Magic until you post your damn poems.

Back Then

2006-02-09T22:23:00.000-08:00

For those who haven't heard the buzz... A new rap by the famous "Beats from the Brode" and his partner in crime, Joey Lutz, hit the streets this week. Check it out at thebrode.com - it's called "Back Then".

Had lunch with Big Willy this week, chatted about the new Magic set, school/work, etc., while munching on veggie sandwiches from Gina's Pizza. Aww, yeah.

I went on a bit of a spending spree this week, after I realized the staggering amount of wealth that I'd manage to save up, and not being able to come up with a good answer for why I still don't own a PSP.

Hmm... now that I think about it, many of you haven't been updated on the situation at work! I have a new boss now, for a total of three bosses. My direct boss (who keeps claiming she's not my boss) is the Creative Development Producer, my new boss ranks in above her (the Creative Development Manager), and he reports to the VP of Creative Development. He's been at the company for a while (in a different department) and I really like what he's brought to our department so far, as he has a lot of similar interests and a positive outlook. I had a long chat with him last week as he's trying to get a hold on how we're doing things and what we could be doing better. We talked a lot about my future at the company, and he assured me that even though he's only known me for a small time, I was going to be receiving the maximum amount of raise in my next review (easily). I asked him where my avenues for growth would be, and exactly what I would need to do to be promoted to Producer. He said he didn't know (he is new, anyway) but he would find out and let me know what it would take. ("but you're on the right track") He did mention that the biggest opportunities wouldn't be in production, but in identifying holes in the organizational structure and filling them. He thinks that at the rate we are expanding (especially in CreativeDev), there should be a lot of opportunities for me to find a good position. I mentioned that I'd like to get married and start a family within two years (!!) and he said that he would do whatever he could to get the me the salary that would enable me to do that.

So yeah, I like him a lot. :-)

Well, there's the low-down. Thanks for sticking with me through the silence! I got me some loyal readers... maybe I should charge some kind of subscription fee...

Did it work?

2006-01-02T21:15:00.000-08:00

Min and I tried to take a picture while waiting at a stoplight on the way to pick up Stanley from the airport... Check out how well that turned out. :-)

Tales of X-mas

2005-12-12T00:55:00.000-08:00

"What the hell do I get for Ben? He just buys everything he wants, and now I'm worried that anything I buy him, he already has!!"

Click here to check out my Amazon.com wishlist if you are having trouble. :-) I intentionally didn't put stuff on the list that I asked for from other people, and I didn't put any board games on the list, though I am very interested in some new board games.

We had our Christmas party on Friday, and it was a lot of fun! My boss kept asking me to hold her empty glass while she pulled a flask of Jack Daniels out of her purse to fill it up... so that was kind of weird... and then she asked me to swing dance with her... and that was also kind of weird (she kept spinning when I was clearly signalling that I was going to spin. Sheesh!). Once she asked me to get her some more ice for her glass, so I ran over to the "Ice Bar" which, in case you were wondering, is made of ice, it's not a bar that exculsively serves ice. Quite the opposite actually... the bartender told me, "We don't have any ice." I wanted to point at the bar and yell "You LIE!" but instead I ran to the other bar in the "gambling room". After standing in line for 10 minutes at the bar, I looked to my right and noticed another bar not 20 feet from where I was standing with nobody in line. I walked over there, got my ice, and then went back to the long line at the bar I was just at and informed them about my discovery. One of my coworkers said, "Yeah, I know... but this guy gives me more alcohol." *sigh*

I ran back to my boss and held the glass of new ice for her while she poured her last bit of Jack Daniels into it.

Your view of my party probably seems like I was a lacky all night, but those were just the most interesting parts. ;-) Min and I had a great time dancing and taking pictures (perhaps I'll post some tomorrow), and the food was fantastic.

Oh, and did I mention we bought a Christmas tree? It's massive. You seriously have to wade through the forest before you can see the couches. I'm used to huge trees, and no "small apartment" is going to stop me! In Brode tradition, Min and I trimmed the tree and then sat on the couch listening to Christmas music with only the lights of the tree illuminating the room. Only one thing was missing - I had no egg nog! So instead I chugged a tall glass of Horchata.

Feliz Navidad!

New website

2005-12-07T22:34:00.000-08:00

Check this out... theBrode.com

Ohhhh yeaaaahhhh.

The pain. Oh the pain.

2005-12-01T01:09:00.000-08:00

Today was a long day at work - I got off at around 11PM, after a grueling session of taking multiplayer screenshots for the new console game we are working on. In order for you to appreciate the true nature of how 'grueling' the work really was, I'm going to walk through the process of taking a high-res screenshot on the X-Box with you.

First, you need to set up 8 X-boxes with the current build of the game. Then, you need about 6 other people for actors. Then you have to enter in a slew of codes to set up the graphics. Let's say you manage to get the required number of people together, you don't run into any problems with updating the build (ha!) and you actually to get into a multiplayer game. Now you have to find a great backdrop. Fly around for a few minutes until you find a spot...... perfect. Now have everyone else in the game find that spot. Perfect. The following section, word for word, is what you will tell the guy to your left to do.

"Ok, can I have you move forward a little. Perfect. Oh no wait, now you've gone too far. Back just a smidge. Good. No, too much... just a little forward. Ok, ok... perfect. Now turn to your left. No, your left. Keep going. Little more. Little more. Little more. Good. Ok now aim your gun a little higher. Try and get it in between those two guys over there. Nice. Now when I tell you to go, I want you to run forward and shoot that guy, but don't push him out of position."

You're either thinking, "wow that's a lot", or "gee, that's not too bad." Well, that's just what you told the guy on your left. Now you have to go through that with the other five guys as well.

Ok, you done? Everyone in position? Everyone know what to do when you yell "Action"? Good. Action!

Oh shoot, one of the guys got pushed out of position. Time to reposition everyone!

Ok, got it again? Good. Ready? Action!

Once the action starts, just push a button to take a screenshot. If you like the preview, go ahead and push the button again. Ok, now put the controller down and take a break. Each screenshot takes almost 5 minutes to render, and once it's done, you get kicked from the game for being inactive, so you need to start all over from the beginning for your next shot. Fun!

For reference, here is how to take a screenshot in World of Warcraft:
1) Start the game and look at something you want a picture of.
2) Hit the "Print Screen" button. It's next to F12.
3) Congratulations! You're done!

Ok, so it's grueling, but it's also fun to be the "director" and tell people what to do. Hopefully all the shots I took get approved and I'll link them to my blog when they appear online.

Oh yeah, and it's good to be back. :-) Big things are coming, I promise, so stay tuned.

Street Fighter ...Salsa?

2005-11-17T10:22:00.000-08:00

A few great Street Fighter movies for you...

Street Fighter Salsa

Jackie Chan in Street Fighter 2

Street Fighter vs. Morkal Kombat (you need Shockwave to view. Click "Play Movie" on the right side of the page. This is amazing.)

And now the meat. In chapters.

Chapter 1
Going to see a play at UCI tonight with Han and Min - should be fun! Han lives in Irvine now (after commuting here from LA for the last several months... ouch) so we might be seeing a little more of him.

Chapter 2
Oh yeah, and did I tell you that our pantry was crawling with maggots? Yeah... it seems a certain package of pecans contained some of the disgusting little creatures. Min asked me to throw it away when some of the pecans started moving. I noticed the maggots expanding toward the oatmeal and other foods once I tossed the nuts. Needless to say, our panty is empty until I am certain that they are not coming back. Ugh.

Chapter 3
I'm going to switch topics again and tell you now that the

World of Warcraft Board Game is a lot of fun if you have the necessary hours to complete a game. I can see my family playing this game over a weekend or something. It's a 3v3 team based game that includes some interesting game mechanics. Should I bring it up to the Cabin during Thanksgiving?

Chapter 4
Christmas is coming and the Goose is getting fat. Please put a penny in the old man's hat. (I suppose he would take a haypenny if you haven't got a penny... but seriously, if you don't have a penny, stop throwing all of your money into old peoples' headgear.)

Bank Error in Your Favor. Collect $100.

2005-11-16T22:41:00.000-08:00

So I got a raise today on accident.

When I was promoted to Associate Producer, the VP gave me an extra thousand dollars over the normal AP salary and said that I wouldn't be getting a yearly raise this year (which happens every November). Then, he forgot that he said it, and I got raise anyway. He emailed my direct boss and said, "Hey, write a review for Ben real quick. I forgot to, and I don't really know what he does anyway. :-)" She wrote back and reminded him that I wasn't supposed to get a review... but he had already submitted the paperwork to HR and the pay raise had been approved!! I felt like I was playing Monopoly and I got one of those "Bank Error in Your Favor" cards. Score!

The review was amazing - I doubt I've ever had or will ever have a review like the one I had today. Chris kept stopping to say "Wow, Gloria really loves you..." as he was reading what she wrote about me. It felt great!

In other news, Will and I won the Two-headed Giant draft on Tuesday. Go Team Brode!!!

Will's Improv Video! (finally)

2005-11-11T09:51:00.000-08:00

Click Here for a taste of Will's Improv group at UCI - Live Nude People! (with clothes on)

Enjoy!

The Best Class

2005-11-05T00:24:00.000-08:00

I was thinking the other day about the classes I've taken over all of my time in school from kindergarten through nearly 3 years of college, and it occured to me that the class that best prepared me for my current job was yearbook.

It was in yearbook that I learned how to use Photoshop, the program nearly every professional uses for digital photo editing, painting, and graphic design. I could go on for pages about why my proficiency with this particular program scored me the job I have today, but you'll just have to trust me. Photoshop skillz 4 teh win.

Yearbook was also my first experience in dealing with a completely unreasonable boss. We elected a girl named Paula to be our editor and she and I would butt heads frequently. Mrs. Zarate taught me a lot about dealing with other people in a work environment during the long nights in the yearbook room, and I still use those skills today. In fact, it was the patience I learned in yearbook that kept me from quitting my first job as a Night Shift Game Tester when my direct supervisor drove me absolutely bonkers.

Mrs. Zarate also taught us proper layout design. She brought "bad" yearbooks and "good" yearbooks, magazines, etc. and showed us why having an eyeline was important and why we should avoid "trapped white space", along with several other rules of design. Once the foundation of "design rules" were learned (and followed, for our first page), we were encouraged to break the rules and be creative, without throwing the rules out the window entirely. These artistic guidelines helped me through other projects, including the product pamphlet I created for a custom campaign at work. The pamphlet helped me gain some degree of fame (especially within my department), and all four of the people who contributed to it are now working in development.

There are a million other things I learned during my two years on the yearbook staff, including photography, color correction, how to meet deadlines, and the meaning of 'crunch time', but I think I may have already made my point.

Thank you, Mrs. Zarate. It's scary to think where I'd be without your tutelage. :-)

I couldn't help it.

2005-11-04T15:08:00.000-08:00

You need to see this.

I'm sick.

2005-11-02T00:09:00.000-08:00

Stay away lest ye be stricken with nasal congestion.

BlizzCon

2005-10-31T21:21:00.000-08:00

Literally every minute of my time during the past week has been spent dealing with BlizzCon, Blizzard's first ever convention. I spent much of my time at the convention dealing with last minute oversights and near-disasters, but it was a rewarding experience, and I got a lot of exposure out of the whole deal. I was asked to help do announcing for the event, and it turns out I love being behind a microphone. Aren't you shocked?!

Throughout Friday and Saturday I did some light announcing ("the next match of the BlizzCon Invitiational starts in approximatly FIFTEEN minutes"), but Friday night was my chance to shine. Gary (a co-worker who also does some stand-up comedy) and I were co-mc's for the "Cocktails & Contests" portion of the event, which was a huge success. There was a dancing contest, sound-alike contest, and costume contest, and Gary and I organized the entire thing in mere hours. I spoke in front of over 6,000 people that night - and Gary and I pulled it off nearly flawlessly. The contests were the highlight of the entire event for most people.

The President gave me (and a few others) a shout-out at the concert on Saturday night, and it felt pretty good to get some recognition! I even had a fan come up to me after my last stint as an announcer (the raffle) and ask me to say "BlizzConnnn!!!" into his cellphone video camera so he could show his friends.

The other great part about BlizzCon was seeing all the merchandise and things that I had made come to life and be appreciated by the fans. The card deck I made is even selling on ebay. :-)

If you're interested, here's what can only be classified as a "shit-ton" of pictures from the event. The pictures of the 'pimped-out' truck are the work of your's truly. Pretty much all of the pictures of huge crowds are crowds that I held captivated with my voice of legend.

Today, BlizzCon. Tomorrow, the World (wrestling federation).

Chili Burger.

2005-10-24T01:05:00.000-07:00

Awww, yeah.

Options!

2005-10-20T21:56:00.000-07:00

The VP of Game Design forwarded me a job posting today with the following message: "I don't know if you would be interested, but this may be a pretty good entry position for you within the game design department."

First of all, it is extremely flattering to get an email like this. However, if you've been keeping up - you'll know that I recently had to tell the VP of Creative Development (my boss's boss) that I was going to stay in his deparment for at least a few years. He previously thought that I'm only using Creative Development as a stepping stone into Game Design.

And here is how I turned this game design opportunity into an opportunity in Creative Development: I bcc'd my boss on my response to the job offer, which basically said "That's awesome, but I want to stay in Creative Dev and at least give it 100% before I change paths and try something new." She forwarded the email to her boss and said, "See, I told you this wasn't just a stepping stone for Ben. He's with us for the long-haul. We should give him more responsibility within the department. Let me know when you guys want to meet."

That, my friends, is what people call "A good freakin' boss".

I await the (hopefully positive) response!

Sweden.

2005-10-20T00:12:00.000-07:00

Some of you have heard about this dream, but I love it, so I'm posting it here for the rest of you.

So I’m driving my Saturn Ion through the streets of Sweden with my brother Stanley, who is sitting shotgun. We get to the corner of Campus and University (Yes, that's in Irvine) and unfortunately the right lane on the other side of the street is blocked because there are a few elephants, an orange tiger mount (from WoW), and some other creatures hanging out. I cross the intersection and merge into the left lane (after snapping a few pix with my digital camera) and then swerve back to the right to avoid a giraffe, an anteater, and what my brother calls an ‘ewe’ but looks like a retarded bird with reptilian skin and hair.

As we continue driving the road becomes increasingly more mangled, is no longer paved, and is very steep. The road gets so steep that I have to roll down the window of my car and grab roots on the side of the road to keep from sliding back down the hill. We give up going any further, chock the messed up road to the fact that heavy animal trailers must have driven over them just a short while ago, and head back towards the main town of Sweden.

Stan and I catch up with our parents and Sarah Carpenter, a family friend, and we get ready to head off towards home. I look around and realize I’ve lost my car. Frantic, I tell everyone to look around, but it’s nowhere to be found. I start heading for the suburbs, in the hope that I can find a clue. Everyone in Sweden is as messy as I am, and they keep most of their stuff outside their houses in large piles. They all live on green rolling hills (like the WindowsXP background) but the houses are small and ghetto. I scan the piles of stuff in search of my sack of magic cards, which I hope a thief would have discarded when they stole my car. I still don’t know if the car is stolen or I just forgot where I parked it.

I speak to some of the people at a nearby restaurant and they send me to a small island about a quarter-mile off the coast. I swim there, and it’s fairly populated by tourists, but I find a small patch of red dirt that isn’t being used. The red dirt has been sculpted into two faces, facing different directions, like those on a playing card. Long reed grass resembles hair on each end. Well, no Saturn Ion here, so I begin to swim back. Two dark-skinned boys (Mexican?) with messy hair are waiting in the water to take me back to the shore. They are apparently part of an ‘island tour’ group, and are working as tour guides. They swim back with me, doing synchronized dances in the water the whole way.
I didn’t ask for a tour, but I felt obligated to pay half of the tour fee (since they only took me one way), so I started looking for change for my 10 dollar bill (they take US dollars!) and find a change vendor wandering the streets with a metal change machine strapped to his chest. He’s wearing a very nice suit and has a professional look on his face. I grab two five’s and drop one in the plastic box (like the ones at the supermarkets where you want to save a child and drop in a penny) for the two tour guide boys.

Ok, back to my quest for the Saturn Ion. I hop into a car with my brother (I have no idea where we got this car) and start circling the island of Sweden. In the distance I see the famous Swedish Landmark, the Slumbering Tora. “I didn’t know that was real!” I said, in astonishment. “Yeah,” Stan answered, “all of the Magic Cards from the new set have their roots in Sweden.”

After eating some bread bowl clam chowder from a small shop near the beach, we start getting pretty frantic. Did the tour leave without us? We’ve made them wait so long… are they angry? Will I ever find my car? I start asking all the locals: “Have you seen a Saturn Ion? Anyone seen a Saturn Ion?”

One of the locals finally answers my question. “I haven’t seen one, but you may want to ask the man in the large restaurant across the bay, he loves Saturn Ions, and if you have any questions about that stuff, you should ask him.”

I start creeping around the buildings (since the walls of the buildings go straight into the water, and you have to be careful if you don’t want to fall in) and eventually catch a ride on a raft of other people who are also going to see the “King of Ion”. The raft slowly nears the sea-side entrance of the restaurant, and as we are about to land, all the people on the raft start humming Phantom of the Opera (the main theme). We suck at it, so Andrew Lloyd Webber gives us some pointers and pulls out his keyboard to join us. We don’t mess it up the second time. I step out of the raft, the phantom theme egging me on and leaving me in trepidation. I fling open the door and….

My cellphone rings. I’m late for work.

Min is 4 teeth lighter.

2005-10-17T01:29:00.000-07:00

Min's wisdom teeth extraction was on Thursday morning, and I took the rest of the week off to take care of her. She was really nervous for the entire month before the surgery... she somehow got it in her head that it was possible that she wouldn't wake up from the anesthesia. I'll spoil the ending here and tell you that she did, in fact, awaken. The morning of the surgery she was unusually lovey-dovey and full of smiles. She joked with the oral surgeon and the dental assisants all the way up until she passed out (with only a few nervous questions about how many people have died during oral surgery). I filled her prescription at the pharmacy and read my book until they called me in to wait with her. When I walked in I saw my poor Min covered completely in a blanket, except for her little head. She was still wearing the hair cap they had put on right before the surgery, and she had an ice pack wrapped all the way around her head. The gauze in her mouth was so big (or her mouth was so small) that her mouth was wide open. All I could see of her was a triangle that showed her closed eyes, little nose, and open, bleeding mouth. I ran up and stroked her hair and waited with her until she started to become more alert. The dental assistant wheeled her out front in a wheel-chair, and I took her home. The recovery had begun!

Min's cheeks grew over the next two days, and she developed sores on the corners of her mouth. She was very self concious, and so decided that it was time for a perm, which came out "too curly" and she hated it. She's hoping it will loosen up in the coming weeks. The picture to the right is Min, with poofy cheeks, being a good sport, and unaware that she will hate whatever comes out of those curling... uh... things. [picture has since been deleted at "request" of Min ;-) ] She spent the next two days complaining about how ugly she looked, and I spent the next two days saying "Honey, you look beautiful!" and "No, I do not think you look like Weird Al Yankovic".

We went out on Friday night to see William in LIVE NUDE PEOPLE! (with clothes on). There were eight performers, and if I had to rate them, Will would be in the top 1, at least. He's brilliant. I have taken some footage of the show, which I promise to post on this blog for all you rabid William fans. If I don't have it ready by Friday, I give you permission to firebomb my apartment.

Min and I spent the last two days of the weekend laying down and watching movies. Min had been depressed because of her delusions of ugliness and her limited choices for meals, and I'm sure it didn't help that every time she sat down for a nice bowl of luke-warm oatmeal I ran off to El Pollo Loco for a 2 piece, 2 side meal with an extra side of flour tortillas and two churros. I know, I know... I'm a jerk. But look, you can upgrade your meal to all thighs for free. For. Free. That's right. That shut you up pretty quick.

It is now Sunday night and Min is fast asleep. Her sores are almost clear, and her cheeks are finally starting to shrink. Even her perm is loosening up a bit. I predict a healthy amount of shit from her co-workers tomorrow, but if she were to shake a magic eight-ball, this is what she would see...

Feel better, sweetheart! :-)

I had a good dream last night.

2005-10-12T17:07:00.000-07:00

So I had a really good dream last night.

I'm standing in CostCo, which already makes this a good dream, when I spin around and see a wall display full of sandals. I turn to the clerk and ask, "Do you have them in size fifteen?"

The clerk looks at me and says, "Sir, we only carry size fifteen."

Excited, I turn to look for a pair that would suit me and I notice that all the sandals have art printed on them. Wait... can it be? "Excuse me, is this art from Magic: the Gathering?"

"All of it."

"Honey... time to wake up, honey."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Disney's 50th and other updates from the world of Ben

2005-10-10T13:57:00.000-07:00

Greetings blog-addicts!

Having just written "blog-addicts", the word "blaggicts" keeps leaping into my mind. Min and I do this word-combining thing a lot with hyphenated words, and it has become all-consuming. Consallming? Allsuming? Nevermind.

Min and I visited Disneyland on Friday to see the 50th anniversary fireworks, and they were FANTASTIC. If you're an avid "Things about Ben that nobody wants to read" reader, then you know that the use of caps is something I reserve for only the greatest of emphasis. It was that good. The show was like a tour through a lot of the rides in the park, including the Haunted Mansion, Star Tours, the Tiki Room, and others. The music and lights were so impressive I literally felt like crying.

To wind down, we went on some kiddie rides: Storybook Land, Pinocchio, and Snow White's Scary Adventures. The last of these I underestimated. "Snow White's Scary Adventures?" I thought, "Ha! That's cute! It'll be fun to see what Disneyland thinks is scary to five-year-olds."

Min and I hopped into the automated car and moved into the Dwarves' home. Snow White waved to us from atop a staircase, and the Dwarves attempted to wash dishes without breaking too many. You should note at this point that that was the only appearnce of Snow White in this ride.

In the next room, the evil witch was staring into a mirror. The witch was looking in the mirror, with her back is to us. As we passed by, she swiveled around to show us that she's transformed into her ugly disguise. The music here somehow managed to make this horrifying! Living trees lined the next room, and near the end of the haunted forest, a door burst open and the witch leapt at us yelling "Care for a biiiiiiite??!?!?" What are you trying to pull, Disneyland? They need to restrict this ride to ages 17+ or something. It was a good thing I used the bathroom immediately prior.

The final room featured the dwarves following the witch up a cliff yelling "Don't let her get away!" to which the witch (ha!) responds, "you'll never catch me! Aaaaahhhh!" There is a flash of light that is apparently supposed to represent the witch falling to her death, and then the final doors open in front of us. What awaits us at the end of the ride? A huge open book with the text "...and they lived happily ever after."

I think I scared the little girl who was sitting in front of us with my laughter. All I can say is I am glad that Disney has since instituted drug-testing programs for it's employees.

The weekend took a change of pace after that with a birthday dinner for my Aunt Jane, Uncle Joe, Great Aunt Di, and Grandma. We also went hiking on Sunday (saw a rattlesnake, one of the guys saw a mountain lion, and I scared someone with my maraca), and played Werewolves that night.

There. You're all caught up. Now I'm going to go have more adventures.

They're called comments.

2005-10-04T23:05:00.000-07:00

My brother has made another post on his travel blog, but it seems he still hasn't discovered the comments that people have been leaving on every post. Stan, if you're reading this, here's a quick tutorial.

Click the link at the bottom of your post that says comments. Read them.

Congratulations! You have passed your first comment class! Join us next week when we go over more difficult tasks such as deleting spam comments and posting at least once a week.

Customer Service 101

2005-10-03T15:12:00.000-07:00

I am FED UP with websites and customer service.

Story #1
I browse to my cable provider's web site to see if I can pay my bill online. I can't find a link to it, so I check the FAQ. The FAQ has the following question: "Can I pay my bill online?" The answer? "Yes! You can pay your bill online via credit card or through your checking account. Just click here. (add link to billpay)" Seriously. There was no link. Just the text "add link to billpay". I called them to inquire about the link - turns out they haven't implemented that feature yet. I said, "So by 'Yes! You can pay your bill online' you actually meant 'No, you cannot pay your bill online', right?" They have since changed the FAQ.

Story #2
I'm looking up Oral Surgeons for Min (wisdom teeth) and I figured I would start with a list of denstists my own insuarnce provides from their website. Check out for yourself what happens when you try to view the DHMO Dental Office Reference Guide (eigth link down). Fantastic. I didn't want your list anyway.

Story #3
I ordered a new DDR pad from redoctane.com and I had some questions about my order. Luckily, the automated order confirmation has a link to my order status. Unfortunatly the linked page does not actually show any kind of order status. Well, that's ok, because there is a link that says "If you have any questions about your order, please Contact Us." That is the exact link, too. Go ahead. Click that link.

That's cold, redoctane. That's cold.

Whatever, it's cool: I found their number hidden on a page and called them. It's 11:30AM. My options are "the company directory" or "operator". I press '0' for operator. I get an answering machine that asks me to please call back during normal business hours, or leave a message. Oh, and yelling "IT'S ELEVEN-THIRTY AM!!!" doesn't change anything, in case you were thinking of trying it.

Fine. I'll leave a message.

"Mailbox is full. Mailbox is full. Mailbox is full. Ma- CLICK!"

Ok so I call back. This time I go for the company directory and smash a few numbers. "Did you mean James XXXX?" says the automated voice? I press # to connect to this random employee I've selected who graciously connects me to the Customer Service department that is more legend than actual department. I spill the whole story about how crappy I think redoctane is, and he says...

"Oh yeah, our phones have been broken for about a month."

RedOctane, you lose at customer service. GG.

The elusive "Juicy Pear".

2005-09-28T11:55:00.000-07:00

It is widely known that my favorite Jelly Belly is the elusive "Juicy Pear". Every time I venture to the supermarket, every bin of jelly bellys is full... except for the Juicy Pear bin. Sometimes there is half of a juicy pear jelly bean at the bottom, which I delicately place into one of those plastic candy bags and take to the counter for purchase.

Yesterday I was sorting through my four-pound jar of jelly beans for the elusive pear, when I got an email from my boss, the Vice President, requesting a 1-on-1 meeting. When I started in my current position, I got to meet him, but never formally. We kinda just started working together. Each of us knew who the other was, but since we were never actually introduced, it felt a little weird. Needless to say, I was fully intimidated.

Four-thirty came and I walked into Chris's office for our meeting. It was nice to finally get to talk with him; I felt as if we were finally introduced. He rememered the campaign I'd sent him over a year ago, and that made me feel good too. The meeting was mostly about my intentions at the company, whether or not I was going to leave Creative Development for Game Design any time soon, and if I was interested in taking over some approvals for licensed products. It's difficult to gauge how he wanted me to respond. Half of me wants to jump up and do a little dance, and the other half is worried about over-doing it and blowing my chance. Then the first half points out that if I don't do something he'll think that I'm not excited about it and toss the whole idea out the window.

Overall, the meeting went well and hopefully something will come of it. I'd love to be able to approve this stuff, and I know that I'm capable of it. In the end, he'll have less 'little stuff' to deal with, and I'll get to sharpen my teeth on it instead.

Looking back on the campaign booklet that Aaron and I wrote, it's amazing how much that thing has done for us. In QA, it helped me get a lot of visibility and probably got me the recommendation to Creative Development. I'd like to think that our little book helped catapult the other guys out of QA as well.

My career path is fuzzy to me at this point, but it's nice to know that no matter what, I'm headed UP.

Ravnica: City of Guilds

2005-09-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

The prerelease was yesterday, and after over 12 hours of Magic, William emerged victorious at 9th place out 700 people. I placed at 135. :-( Ravnica is a fantastic set, and I'm looking forward to playing with it over the coming months.

Driving home was difficult for me. I had not eaten breakfast or dinner, and I only drank a small amount of water that day. I had a splitting headache, and I had never felt more exhausted. We picked up Min, went to a 24 hour burrito place, and I went to sleep shortly after. I slept deeply last night, and my sleep was filled with strange dreams.

Kermit the frog was upset that he couldn't do something (don't remember what) and the other muppets were making fun of him. In a fit of determination he strapped on a helmet, grabbed a skateboard, and began doing tricks on a half-pipe. He was smiling widely at his new-found talent (apparently Kermit is an excellent boarder) and at this point in the dream I was thinking "Wow... this dream is almost exactly identical to that movie where Ms. Piggy learns how to ice skate on a half-pipe". For those of you who are thinking the same question that Min asked me at this point: No. There is no such movie.

Anyway the dream transitions to this huge party on a large grass field. I had planned carnival events (the same events that I'm working on for BlizzCon) and I wanted to go see how the airbrush tattoo artist turned out. I walked over there, and for some reason the most recent three people to get tattoos had to stand on a pedestal as a human advertisement. There was a little asian girl with a disdainful look on her face, upset at having to pose for people, and I felt sorry for her, but not sorry enough to get a tattoo of my own.

I headed over to the food corner, and I saw Joey! Joey was wearing a good looking grey suit, and I ran over to him and gave him a great big bear hug. Then six other people from high school, each dressed in the same grey suit ran toward us and joined the big hug. (At this point I had mysteriously changed into the same grey suit.) We hopped over to the food area and bore witness to the largest steaks we had ever seen. As I bit into the tender meat, I woke to Min laughing her head off and I thought to myself, "I know, huh?" and then realized she couldn't possibly know what I was just dreaming about.

Those two seconds of transition between dream world and real world often produce the strangest emotions. Two days ago my own fart woke me up and it was bizarre.

The Saga Begins

2005-09-22T11:23:00.000-07:00

I started a wiki story today. Head to this link and read what I've started (and hopefully other people will have added to). When you've read it, click on the "Edit" tab near the top of the page, and continue writing where the last person left off. Take it anywhere you want to. It's your story.

Oh yeah, someone sent out instructions for building your own sentry turret today. Amazing.

Finally!

2005-09-21T12:38:00.000-07:00

Lightning and Thunder

2005-09-19T20:54:00.000-07:00

'Twas a stormy night tonight - the first rain of the new season. I for one, am happy to see the fall come, as Fall and Winter are my favorite seasons. The thunder we heard tonight was loud enough to interrupt my DDR session, which is shocking considering how loud I like to blast the volume on my TV. Min and I stood outside and watched the lightning strike over and over, with deafening thunder that would last for 15 seconds after each strike.

On our laundry run immediately following the storm I took the time to breathe deep and enjoy the fresh smell of the rain. This kind of thing really makes me miss nature and resent the massive plains of asphalt which make up so much of what I see every day. On the bright side, Min and I are heading to my grandparents' cabin in Ponderosa in a few weeks with Joey and Brady. I plan on bringing an ungodly amount of board games including this game, in which Joey and Brady will slaughter me. At least I can beat everyone else (ok, everyone except my Dad).

I wonder what "College Boy" Will is up to tonight? I remember dancing with a lot of girls during 'welcome week', one of whom I ended up dating for the next four years. There is lots in store for him over the coming ten months; I'm excited about hearing of his adventures.

Ok, I'm off for a walk to Graffitea, a boba place near the apartment which serves a peach milk tea that will make you close your eyes and moan in ways that cause passerbys to stare at you in disgust.

Tastebuds... brace for impact.

Extra! Extra! Brode count in Orange County doubles!! Extra! Extra!

2005-09-17T15:15:00.000-07:00

My brother William moves to Irvine for school tomorrow, and I'm going to help him move in. It'll be nice to have another magic player in the area, though I'm sure my parents are just a little wary of having my influences turn Will to the "dark side".

Joey is now an English teacher at Santa Monica High School and he loves it, though he says the job is exhausting. I asked him what his goal for the year is, and he says that he wants his students to transcend themselves... to write something beautiful and read it in front of the class. His goal is a little lower for one of the freshmen classes he's teaching, though. He's hoping he can just teach them decent writing skills. It's surprising how rare of a talent that is...

The weather has been cooler recently. Winter is coming. ;-)

Wow...

2005-09-11T12:07:00.000-07:00

It doesn't feel like 4 years, does it?

The Artery

2005-09-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

Living in Costa Mesa has been really fantastic so far. Literally a one minute walk from my apartment is The Artery, a shipping container that they've converted into a walk-thru gallery with art that they rotate out every month. Next to the Artery is the LAB, the "anti-mall" with some very interesting shops and restaurants. A fountain made of steel barrels sits in one corner of the LAB, with a large fire pit in front of it. It's beautiful!

Across the street from the LAB is the CAMP, and all the adventure stores therein.

We took a walk around all these places last night with Min's friend Sarah and her new boyfriend, and the weather was perfect. It's a nice change of pace to be out walking for once. I poked my head into "Mother India" to grab a menu, and it smelled delicious, just like Shalimar back home. "We're closed," said the man in the turban from across the restaurant, so I yelled "Place smells good! I'll be back tomorrow!" as I slapped my palm on the door frame, nodded and left.

Now I have to watch Blade Runner as I am supposedly to be fired if I return to work Monday without having done so. My coworkers were so stunned by my lack of manly movie watching that they've prescribed roughly 30 movies for me to watch lest I fall completely into the realm of womanhood.

Manliness, here I come.

Why you should never trust a girl with your computer.

2005-09-08T09:59:00.000-07:00

My roommate's laptop is borked (surprise!), and she can't connect to my neighbor's wireless internet. I offered to let her use mine, then I went to sleep. I wake up in the morning, go to work, and when I get back home Min informs me that my laptop will no longer start up.

At this point in the story everyone interrupts me and says "It's probably the battery." Shut up. You think this story would be interesting if it was the battery? Sheesh.

Every time I boot the laptop I get the BSoD, with the error UNMOUNTABLE_BOOTDRIVE or some crap. I called Dell Support and after 10 minutes I gave up and decided to fix it myself. I seriously just had to type "FIXBOOT" in the console to fix it. You'd think if it didn't boot and the fix was that simple, your laptop would be smart enough to fix it for you. REGARDLESS...

Don't let someone who doesn't know what a control panel is borrow your computer.

The story continues.

So I leave my house again, laptop working correctly, mind at peace once more. I get my ass beat for several hours then when I come back home SHE'S USING MY LAPTOP AGAIN!

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

I think I'm just going to add Dell Support to my speed dial.

Laptops and poop.

2005-09-06T18:40:00.000-07:00

There are moments in life where you realize how far we've come as a civilization. For example, I'm posting this blog from my laptop over wireless interet as I sit on the toilet. Each sentence I write is accompanied with one eye slightly scrunched and the clenching of cheeks.

The Internet, by the way, is coming to my apartment on September 14th, so the wireless internet that brings this post from my toilet to your monitor is that of my neighbor's. Thanks buddy. Incidentally, you may want to change your wireless internet gateway so it isn't called "linksys".

Off to CostCo for real this time... Labor day foiled my previous plans and left me muffinless this morning.

Victory!

2005-09-05T23:10:00.000-07:00

I won a lot of games today. You fought valiantly, my brothers... but none can stand against my might.

I live in Costa Mesa.

2005-09-05T11:09:00.000-07:00

Inspired by my brother's blog, I've decided to create my own, superior blog. Welcome to my life, where all of the things that happen you probably care very little about, unless you are me, re-reading what you've already written. (If so, just a head's up Ben: you're THE MAN.)

Ok, well I promise post #2 will be better. I'm off to the store to get some chairs, as we're doing some board gaming later this afternoon. Hopefully Colossal Arena or DOOM the boardgame, depending on the number of people who come.

Victory shall be mine!